You read that right. Hustler (LFP Productions) released a parody (2009) of the very famous sci-fi show “Star Trek”. Appropriately named “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX”, this parody goes back to the William Shatner version of the show. With the William Shatner of porn, Evan Stone, playing Captain James T. Kirk and Tony De Sergio as Dr. Spock, the story itself brings a lot of laughs. Sadly, the sex is not so great.
Let me start off by saying this: I hate Jenna Haze. Don’t get me wrong, she can talk dirty with the best of them but when you sound like a 7-year-old, it’s hard to take that dirty talk seriously. In fact, it’s just downright creepy. But when you look into the camera more times than you put a dick in your mouth, we have a problem. A major problem actually. Within the first 3 minutes of the scene, I was irritated by her. I refuse to critique any porn star’s acting, mostly because that’s not why you get cast in the first place, but dear lord. It was unbearable. Once we got past the initial explanation of why she was suddenly awake and horny as a school girl, the dick was out and in her mouth. Let me just say this, nobody, NOBODY makes those noises when they suck a dick. A little bit of noise? Sure. We all take a deep breath and moan just a bit when we’re really into it but, every 5 seconds? “Oh yeah. Mmmm….so good….oh fuck….yeah…..” Shut up. Just shut the fuck up, Jenna. Just put that fucking dick in your mouth and suck on it. Choke on it. Slobber on it. I don’t care. Just don’t speak. Ever. Now, it’s totally hot when a chick gives head after fucking for a little bit. It’s sexy. She’s tasting herself on him and enjoying it. Hell yeah. I’m down. Doesn’t need to happen every 5 minutes and you really don’t need to announce that you’re about to do it. “Let me taste my pussy.” “Let me taste my tight ass.” If you hop off and you’re not switching positions, it’s safe to assume you’re about to suck a dick. So just don’t say shit and suck a dick. As far as the cum shot goes, well, it was a cum shot. Nothing extravagant. He came on her face, she swallowed it. End of scene. Moving on with the story. All in all, the scene wasn’t good. I’ll give Tony this, he stayed in character the whole time and that is extremely impressive. I do like Tony De Sergio. He is a good performer, isn’t unattractive and, above all, has a pretty big cock. The only redeeming quality of this scene was Tony. I wish we had seen more of his face rather than Jenna’s. *shudder*
Alright, normally, I don’t mind watching Aurora Snow perform, but this scene was just….appalling. This next scene featured Nick Manning as her sexual interest. Nick played the obvious villain, Khan. If we’re going back to the ’60’s might as well have the movie star the greatest villain in the entire series. Now, as we all know, Khan is bad. He’s a bad, bad man. But apparently, dude knows how to fuck a face and a pussy. My main concern throughout this whole scene was the face fucking. I thought he was going to kill her. I also thought she was going to throw up any second. It scared me. I was worried throughout the whole scene. I had trouble being turned on because of said face fucking. So. Much. Saliva. And, of course, she broke the fourth wall. I don’t know what it is about Hustler movies, but the girls always, always, ALWAYS break the fourth wall. Unless it is a PoV or an interactive, I don’t wanna see your fucking eyeballs. Look at the dude while you’re sucking his cock. I mean…you’re sucking HIS cock, not the audience’s. Christ. Besides the point. I can say this, at least there was anal. I don’t know about you, but when there’s buttsex in a scene, I celebrate like it’s fucking New Year’s! “Yeah, buttsex!!” I scream loudly over the awful fake orgasms. And of course, where there’s buttsex, there’s ATM, or Ass To Mouth, for those of you that are porn lingo retarded. Go Aurora! You are a braver woman than I by putting a dick in your mouth that has just been in your ass. Do what you do. You get paid for fucking. I don’t. So, do your thing, girl. This scene wasn’t awful. Certainly, not as bad as the first one with Jenna. Ugh. The cum shot was, once again, a typical, vanilla cum shot. All over her face, she swallowed. Shocking. (Sadly, there was no shocker in this scene) ||_| SHOCKING!
The next sex scene is hands down the best and it’s still not great. That hurts me to say because it has Evan Stone and one of my favorite female stars, Sasha Grey. It was just so….bland for Ms. Grey and Mr. Stone. Normally, Evan is always a great performer. He’s an amazing entertainer and this is honestly the first time I’ve ever been disappointed in his fucking. He’s an acrobat, if you will, when it comes to slamming a pussy, and this scene was extremely unlike him, as it was unlike Sasha. But then again, I do have to remember that this is a Hustler movie. Anything released by the company is pretty vanilla, except for their Taboo series. Besides the point. The scene was decent, mostly because it had two really good performers. Sasha was very good at not breaking the fourth wall TOO often in the scene which is good. There wasn’t nearly as much screaming on my end as far as that goes. I did, however, scream “Fuck her harder, Evan! Come on!” Which he, sadly, did not do. But, it was good enough. Certainly better than the first two scenes. This was the peak of the movie. From here on out……downfall…..
I really don’t think I can do a review of the next scene, that’s how bored I got. It’s been a few months since I’ve actually watched it but if I remember correctly, I did a fast forward through the scene. It was just………..not good. Moving on…….
Dear Jada Fire, I love you Squirtwoman. I love you so much. But….why was this scene not good? What happened?! Jada Fire, Tony De Sergio and Evan Stone start an incredible 3 some. At first, pretty hot. Then….the fourth wall is continuously broken. Over….and over….and over….and over again. Jada! Love! Wtf?! Stop looking into the damn camera! Unnecessary! And the head? I mean…I’ve seen you give head and you’re a fucking pro. But….really? That’s all you got? Come on, girl. I’m disappointed in you. You got two big cocks in your face and that’s all you got? Were you just not into it? Well, at least there was a lot of anal and a good amount of DP (double penetration). Everyone loves a good DP scene. I’ll give the scene that much, the DP was fucking awesome. After that, meh. The scene was….fine. That’s it. Fine. Just. Fine. This is the first Jada Fire scene I have seen that I was disappointed in. Sad panda. But it’s okay. At least she’s hot. Right?
The bonus scenes on the DVD weren’t that much better, sadly. I’d review those but….I really just have no desire to talk about how bland everything was. So on that note….this movie was honestly pretty good as far as the story goes. The movie itself was decent and funny. The sex was extremely disappointing. One of my biggest upsets was the lack of girl/girl. But I guess we can’t always have what we want, right?
Oh Hustler….please learn to make better movies. I know the budget is low but….come on. Come on!!!! Perhaps one day we’ll be able to get a high budget Hustler movie.
Or not….
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